One lesson I have learned as a professional speaker is that a certain percentage of people are going to love you no matter what you do. They will admire you simply because you have the guts to stand up in front of a roomful of people, and they do not. On the other hand, there are an equal percentage of those who will find fault with everything you do. There is no pleasing them. They may dislike your appearance, your clothes, your mannerisms, or the fact that you are a dead ringer for their ex-girlfriend. You really may not be able to elicit realistic feedback from either group. All you can do is reach out to the percentage in the middle.
It never ceases to amaze me the depths to which some will sink in an effort to reduce others. If you are the least bit sensitive, then you know the acute burn of a cruel remark or scathing review of your efforts. It can be so painful, especially if you’ve worked hard to craft an image, a message or a legacy of positive contribution. It can really sting, and it can leave you feeling defensive, as if you must strike back to justify the choices you made. Sometimes, criticism can really cause you to second-guess yourself, and that can be so disheartening.
It can be hard not to become embittered by criticism, especially if the negative note seems unnecessary. If I’ve made an honest error, for example, why must it be made public? Why not just give me an opportunity to correct the oversight? After all, is misspelling something really such a crime? Perhaps it wasn’t even a misspelling per se, perhaps I really do know how to spell the word "and," but the typo might suggest sloppiness due to haste, rather than stupidity. Does that warrant public humiliation?
You may not even be seeking to be controversial. Maybe you’re just clicking along, doing your thing, trying to generate some good karma. Then, out of the blue comes a not-so-thinly veiled insult for something about which you cared a great deal getting just right.
What can be particularly onerous about criticism sometimes is when we learn where it has come from. It might be from someone who you think ought to be in your camp, a fellow warrior for good, someone you thought had your back, or an entity or organization who shares your goals, fights the same fight.
If you are one of those people who have a tough time accepting criticism, you are by no means alone. Here are a few suggestions that may help. In order for any of these ideas to work, though, you have to really internalize them, and make the decision to change your thinking. It’s very hard to do this, but it is a fact that if you can change the way you think about something, you can change the way you feel about it. This is a principle taught in a discipline called CBT, or cognitive behavioral therapy.
First, consider this: You have arrived. if your work has caught the attention of a major competitor or even an entity you considered to be so much larger as to be no competition to you at all, then be flattered. I recently found my work mentioned in a somewhat unflattering way in a post by a national organization. I certainly never thought I’d ever appear on their radar screen. I had been wondering where the huge spike of interest and massive numbers of page views had been coming from. Thanks, organization X. Blast away.
Realize that in this day of potential over exposure due to sharing, retweeting, updating, linking, liking and all manner of promotional opportunities, it’s just that much easier for someone to take a shot at you, and bolster their own popularity by it. Look, if someone else is that small that they have to take cheap shots at you so as to raise their own acceptability quotient, doesn’t that sort of speak for itself?
On the other hand, everyone is entitled to his or her opinion, and if someone genuinely takes issue with something you are doing, there’s just not much you can do about that. What makes criticism hard to swallow in this case, though, is that perhaps what you did was well thought through, you did what you did deliberately, you had good reason for it, it was not an error. Yet, someone else feels a need to ridicule what you did as incompetent.
You may find that the source of the criticism offers no means by which to respond. They can dish it out, as the saying goes, but they can’t take it. I discovered that myself a while ago when I tried to respond to something written about me that was just flat wrong, wrapped in a nasty tone. Anyone who makes dialogue impossible really isn’t interested in anything other than their own views, and there is nothing you could do about that, even if you did have some recourse. For them, even accuracy is irrelevant. Besides, not everyone who hears or reads the criticism is going to agree with it. No one is wholly enrolled in the opinions of others.
So, what is the point of this little manifesto, and why am I including it in a blog about accessibility? Because for those of you who are struggling to bring enlightenment, education and awareness into the world, you deserve to be commended. Don’t ever give up. Even if a competitor or organization to which you aspire or with which you want to be associated finds fault with what you are doing, recognize that perhaps they feel threatened by your great work. there is a famous radio talk host who boasts that when his commentary invokes the wrath of all concerned on every side of an issue, he knows he has hit a nerve and is doing something right. Well, so are you. Who else but my entrepreneurs with disabilities, fellow advocates and activists, accessibility experts and educators work so hard for so little? The world only listens to you when they need to hear, but until then, it seems they could care less. Until they are directly affected, the world may marginalize you, ignore you or find a reason to trivialize your work by not paying you what you are worth. The fact that you volunteer to do what you do is evidence of that. Sure, maybe you choose to volunteer, and that’s great. If you can afford it, all the better. Think about this, though: How many people do you know who are willing to do for free what they do for a living? Do you know anyone who has said to his or her boss, “You know, I’m tired of getting paid. From now on, what I do here is gratis.”
Why do I have so much respect and admiration for individuals who have disabilities? Well, it isn’t because you are disabled. It isn’t even because you work passionately and tirelessly to make the world a better place by advocating for others or raising awareness. Many years ago, I was privileged to attend a conference that featured a well-known disability rights advocate, and he put it this way: "People who have disabilities are my heroes because they fly in the face of a society which holds them in contempt, simply by living their lives."
Fight on! I’ve got your back.
LL
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